learn to dumpster dive for the low, low price of 19.95!

so wendy's (yall remember wendy's...biggie fries, biggie drinks, and coming soon, biggie bankruptcy) has this idiotic promotion where one can collect either 24 oz or 32 oz size drink cups, cut out the coupon on the side, and get a free flight anywhere air tran flies in the us. i mean, it's so great especially for the broke college student. or the me, who still lives like the broke college student except for the college student part. so you collect 32 for a one way and 64 for a return. you probably have to pay taxes, but seriously, that's a great deal. so my friend pam and i decided that we would totally take advantage. there’s a little colorado wedding in january, and if it’s not a black out date, i’ll be introducing my friend to the new mr. and mrs. ball. yay!!
so tuesday night, on a whim, we decided to hit up the wendy’s close to her house. armed with a garbage bag and a stool, cause we are some shorties. i think we scored about 15 cups that night. a wendy’s employee strolled up and said, “yall looking for cups, aren’t you?” with pam conveniently hidden behind the door, i was the one scrambling for an answer. “what’s your name?” pam said molly. shanka said shanka. hey, i’m an amateur at this whole thing, but i’m learning. he told us about a coworker who could “hook us up, for the right price, you know.” we were alls excited about some stolen goods. we came back to meet with said coworker, struck up a mighty fine deal, then hauled our butts out of there with the handy excuse of having to go the bank. seriously, what kind of witness would that have been? pam suggested taking him a chick tract, but his soul is messed up as it is, stealing from his company and all. he sure doesn’t need jack chick to do him in.
so after we scouted out the wendy’s on alps and on the east side (both too well lit…we’d return later), pam remembered that there was a wendy’s in monroe. it’s about 930 now, and monroe is about an hour away. sure, why not? it’s not like we have jobs or any pressing obligations.
monroe was sweet, man. we got about 25 cups. but not before stopping at the local wal-mart for some latex gloves, a little flashlight, and some chocolate covered cherries. the door to the little enclosed space of this dumpster had a metal rod at the bottom, and it made this horrible screeching sound. so much for being discreet. people placing drive thru orders were staring at us from their cars. afterwards we went to the door, and the restaurant was locked, but there was a lady eating inside. pam asked her if there was some trash we could throw away for her, as we were trying to collect these cups. “all i can say, ladies, is check the dumpster.” little did she know. we cracked up once we got back in the car.
then we headed to another wendy’s about 20 minutes away. that was pretty sweet as well; we got about 15 cups. by this time pam and i were starving. poor girl was all queasy from the smell. i was a little concerned that i wasn’t… we decided to get the dollar menu. what the hell were we thinking?? we just went through all that delightful wendy’s garbage and it made us think “mm, mm, i sure could go for a wendy’s jr. bacon cheeseburger right now.” thank goodness pam had some antibacterial stuff in her car (makes you wonder why she was so well prepared, doesn’t it?) we slathered on a bottle each. and i still ate with latex gloves on. i’d show the pic, but we had the wendy’s fry box in the picture with me licking my latexed finger…we’re not trying to get sued, you know. but email me if you really want to see it.
we decided to stop in watkinsville on the way back, cause surely there’s a wendy’s there. there was not. but it was a nice ride anyway, mostly because as we were heading down a long stretch of highway, pam suddenly stopped. then she slowly backed up, and turned right into a dark gas station. i was a little scared cause i wasn’t sure why we were stopping, and so abruptly. turns out pam saw a cup on the side of the road (my side of the road, mind you!), backed up, pulled up next to it, and was very disappointed to discover a cup from kfc. that, unfortunately, was not the only time kfc’s dark blue cups would foil us that night.
then we went back to athens' east side. still quite lit up, but not as many cars, so we’d thought we’d give it a shot. by now we had this down to an art: after parking, we’d “latex up”, i’d hop out of the car, and she’d pop the trunk. i’d get the box, she’d grab the flashlight, and we’d head on. so we’re doing a great job, at least i am, cause i grabbed the prime position. i got about 10 cups in about 3 minutes, i was on top of my game. pam says, “uh oh, i just saw a police car roll by.” i say give me about 10 more seconds….i’d gotten up to 17 cups by now, and i wasn’t ready to quit yet. then pam walks toward the car, and i follow her, but not without noticing out the side of my eye a silent patrol car pulling up right behind pam’s car! and i’ve got all this evidence in my hands and on my clothes! one day it would be a great story for the grandkids “yeah, i got arrested for stealing funky dirty cups from a dumpster. good times.” who needs that on their record?? “so, how many you got there?” he casually asks, still seated in his car. i look down and sheepishly answer “35.” he proceeds to tell us that there is an ordinance on dumpster diving (it’s illegal) but this particular wendy’s is okay with it as long as you ask first. also that if he needed a plane ticket, he’d probably do it, too. but the real gem was “you guys are the third group tonight caught in this dumpster.” hahaha it was soo great! he let us go, and we just about died in the car laughing.
we went back to the wendy’s close to her house, but the guy we stiffed on the earlier deal was standing outside, smoking a blunt, so we casually kept driving by. we came back around 20 minutes later, people free, and grabbed about 10 more cups.
i plopped into my own house at 2 am. i was in the right senses of mind and smell to shower first, and that came at a great price, cause i was sooo tired.
pam calculated that with the cups we’d collected and the price of a ticket, we’d effectively earned about $25/hr a piece. we are so good at what we do! but we still got about 2/5 of a one way plane ticket left. we’re going to monroe tomorrow morning. it’s almost 1 am now, so i’d better get rested up!! dumpster diving ain’t no cake walk in the park, lady!